1. I don’t like to make small talk in groups of casual acquaintances. “How’s the
wife and kids?” “Where are you working now?” “How ‘bout them Vols?” I
much prefer to have one-on-one discussions about them Vols.
2. I once saw Elvis in concert for $12.50. I am an expert on how Elvis looked from
the back.
3. I learned I could draw pencil portraits at the age of 53. I expect to learn that I
can play piano just any day now.
4. My life hasn’t really been much different no matter who was president. I think
that is about to change.
5. I once played the rabbi in “Fiddler on the Roof” on stage. Now I can look old
without the makeup.
6. I listened to a lot of southern gospel music as a teenager. I listened to albums
recorded by The Messengers ( my cousin sang with them ). I was in awe of
Tommy Bray, the bass singer. Now I sing in a “revival version” of The
Messengers with Tommy Bray whom I once “idolized”. Pretty cool.
7. I was a clinical instructor and lecturer at Southern College of Optometry before
I decided to go into private practice. Turns out there was no money in THAT
either.
8. I once avoided a mugging in Memphis by bluffing the would-be mugger. I was
young and stupid. Now, I’m old and stupid. I would just give him the money.
9. I have gotten three speeding tickets in my life and deserved every one. I tried to
talk my way out of one of them by claiming I had to go to the bathroom, but it
didn’t fly.
10. Initially, I moved to Alabama to go into practice with a college friend. It wasn’t
home and I hated their football team.
11. I am very annoyed by people who let their ideologies cloud their ability to see
truth. I, of course, would never let that happen to me.
12. I have been on every continent except Australia and Antarctica. I have no
desire to go to Antarctica.
13. Other than my friends and family, I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about
me. That is a great place to come to. Very liberating.
14. I don’t like flying. I’ll do it when I have to, but I don’t like it. I think it has
something to do with flying 600 mph at 25,000 feet in a machine built by the
lowest bidder.
15. When it comes to protecting my family and close friends from physical harm,
I’m not afraid of anything that walks.
16. I have over 15,000 names in a genealogy file on my computer. My ggggmother
was scalped by the Cherokees and lived. I guess I got my baldness from her.
17. I have recurring dreams about being ready for a David Johnson Chorus
concert and I have forgotten my tux. That has never actually happened, but
I expect it at any time.
18. I once bowled 279. A nine-pin spare in one frame….the rest strikes. My bowling
partner that day ( a friend home from college ) bowled his highest game ever at
the same time. (255). That was the first and last “zone” I was ever in.
19. I once sang “Love Me Tender” at a karaoke party and a friend accused me of
lip-syncing. I wasn’t. Really!
20. I have been inside the King’s Chamber in the Great Pyramid of Cheops. One of
my best days.
21. I am very tolerant of those who have opinions that differ from mine, unless of
course they are idiots.
22. In college I was a very good ping pong player. Only one person in the whole
school could beat me consistently. He wasn’t really better than me. He just
had the ability to get inside my head. I’ve slowed a bit, but still give can make
the young’uns work up a sweat.
23. I was dating a multi-millionaire’s only daughter when I met my future wife. I
have no regrets, but I have to admit that never ever having to work would have
had it’s advantages.
24. I have seen sunrise on the Matterhorn, but Nancy had to wake me up and
make me look.
25. I believe that I have been privileged to grow up and live in the most exciting
century that has ever been, in the best country that has ever been. Every age I
have experienced has been my best age. I have had a roof over my head, and
plenty to eat. I have a wonderful family and great friends. I consider myself
very fortunate.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Grocery Shopping For Dummies
I was seventeen when my dad went back into the grocery business, and I didn’t share his interest in growing the business. My primary goal in 1964 was to hang out with my friends as much as possible, and to see if I could get Mary Beth Rogers, or any other girl for that matter, to like me. However, with total disregard for my wishes, my dad put me to work. I was checker, sacker, bookkeeper, stock boy, delivery boy, janitor and butcher. I could cut up a chicken in 29 seconds flat, and you could still recognize some of the pieces.
After seven years of twelve-hour Saturdays and working until 7:00PM after school during the week, I had learned more about the grocery business than I ever wanted to know. In 1971, Dad sold the business again, and over the next thirty-seven years I didn’t enter a grocery store unless it was an absolute necessity.
Soon after my marriage in 1973 it became apparent to my wife that I needed to stay out of the kitchen as much as possible. I think it was the burned jello that put her over the edge. We decided that I would be responsible for procuring money for food and that she would select and cook it. I was also placed in charge of food disposal; a task that came naturally for me. To assuage my guilty conscience, I would often help with cleanup,and I would occasionally be in charge of my own meal which usually consisted of nuking a frozen Twinkie in the microwave, but that was about it. I soon learned how many times I had to press “fresh muffin or roll” to heat whatever I wanted at the time. For example, you had to press “fresh muffin or roll” 27 times to warm a plate of left-over spaghetti. I never quite figured out all the other settings and options. If Nancy had allowed me in the kitchen more often, I think I could have become more proficient with the microwave. But why be bitter after all this time?
Having never being adept at leaving well enough alone, after 35 years of marriage I decided to try something new. A few days ago, I was planning a run to Walmart, and noticed a short grocery list on the fridge. Hum…. this would be a great way to earn some brownie points, I thought. I looked over the list; apples, cottage cheese, ground beef, and Rice Krispies. I thought, how hard could it be? I’ll just knock off this list while I’m at Walmart and she will praise me from the rooftops!
I strode confidently into the produce section feeling fully in charge considering the depth of my experience in the grocery business. In Dad’s store, we had apples, oranges, bananas, and lemons. That seemed to be enough choices for his customers. At Walmart, the produce section was larger than Dad’s whole store. There was a display about twenty feet long of just apples! Red Delicious, Yellow Delicious, Granny Smith, Jonagold. The list went on and on. I called Nancy’s cell phone.
“What kind of apples do you want and how many? They have more than one kind of apple here." I said.
“ You aren’t trying to buy groceries, are you?” she said with not a small amount of alarm in her voice.
“Well, yes, I thought I would pick up your list since I was here anyway.”
“Well, get a dozen Jonagolds and go home!” She hung up.
I got the Jonagolds, and stopped to puzzle over some kind of fruit called a “kiwi”. I had never seen one before and decided that it had to be the result of someone’s failed attempt to genetically engineer an edible tennis ball. I wondered if there might be more kiwis in the sporting goods department…. cross-marketing, you know. Undaunted and feeling rather smug over my successful purchase of Jonagold apples, with only one “assist”, I continued to the dairy case.
Next on the list was cottage cheese. What is the deal here?! There was low-fat, no-fat, regular fat, 4% milk-fat, too much fat, small curd, large curd, medium curd and organic. And that was just one brand! I called Nancy’s cell phone.
“What kind of cottage cheese do you want?”
“ I thought I told you to go home.” she said.
“ I’m just trying to help,” I said in the most pitiful voice I could muster.
“ Eight-ounce, small curd, low-fat,” she replied. ( How does she KNOW this stuff??) “Now go home, and I mean it this time.”
I picked up the eight-ounce, small curd, low-fat cottage cheese and proceeded to the cereal aisle. After locating the Rice Krispies, I immediately collared a clerk.
“These prices are mismarked,” I said. “The decimal is in the wrong place. This cereal is marked $3.90. It should be thirty-nine cents”. He looked at me as if I had just asked him to explain the Rieman zeta function in theoretical mathematics.
“The price is correct, sir.” he said after collecting his wits. My dad was "sir" but I didn't get into that.
“No. it can’t be. In my dad’s store in 1969 all cereals were thirty-nine cents except Special K that no one but the rich customers ever bought because it was forty-nine cents,” I explained to the young upstart who obviously had a thing or two to learn about the grocery business.
I decided to give Nancy a call and ask if she had ever had any trouble with improperly marked cereals. Without getting into details of the conversation, let’s just say that I went home without the ground beef.
The contents of this blog are copyrighted and may not be used or published without consent of the author.
After seven years of twelve-hour Saturdays and working until 7:00PM after school during the week, I had learned more about the grocery business than I ever wanted to know. In 1971, Dad sold the business again, and over the next thirty-seven years I didn’t enter a grocery store unless it was an absolute necessity.
Soon after my marriage in 1973 it became apparent to my wife that I needed to stay out of the kitchen as much as possible. I think it was the burned jello that put her over the edge. We decided that I would be responsible for procuring money for food and that she would select and cook it. I was also placed in charge of food disposal; a task that came naturally for me. To assuage my guilty conscience, I would often help with cleanup,and I would occasionally be in charge of my own meal which usually consisted of nuking a frozen Twinkie in the microwave, but that was about it. I soon learned how many times I had to press “fresh muffin or roll” to heat whatever I wanted at the time. For example, you had to press “fresh muffin or roll” 27 times to warm a plate of left-over spaghetti. I never quite figured out all the other settings and options. If Nancy had allowed me in the kitchen more often, I think I could have become more proficient with the microwave. But why be bitter after all this time?
Having never being adept at leaving well enough alone, after 35 years of marriage I decided to try something new. A few days ago, I was planning a run to Walmart, and noticed a short grocery list on the fridge. Hum…. this would be a great way to earn some brownie points, I thought. I looked over the list; apples, cottage cheese, ground beef, and Rice Krispies. I thought, how hard could it be? I’ll just knock off this list while I’m at Walmart and she will praise me from the rooftops!
I strode confidently into the produce section feeling fully in charge considering the depth of my experience in the grocery business. In Dad’s store, we had apples, oranges, bananas, and lemons. That seemed to be enough choices for his customers. At Walmart, the produce section was larger than Dad’s whole store. There was a display about twenty feet long of just apples! Red Delicious, Yellow Delicious, Granny Smith, Jonagold. The list went on and on. I called Nancy’s cell phone.
“What kind of apples do you want and how many? They have more than one kind of apple here." I said.
“ You aren’t trying to buy groceries, are you?” she said with not a small amount of alarm in her voice.
“Well, yes, I thought I would pick up your list since I was here anyway.”
“Well, get a dozen Jonagolds and go home!” She hung up.
I got the Jonagolds, and stopped to puzzle over some kind of fruit called a “kiwi”. I had never seen one before and decided that it had to be the result of someone’s failed attempt to genetically engineer an edible tennis ball. I wondered if there might be more kiwis in the sporting goods department…. cross-marketing, you know. Undaunted and feeling rather smug over my successful purchase of Jonagold apples, with only one “assist”, I continued to the dairy case.
Next on the list was cottage cheese. What is the deal here?! There was low-fat, no-fat, regular fat, 4% milk-fat, too much fat, small curd, large curd, medium curd and organic. And that was just one brand! I called Nancy’s cell phone.
“What kind of cottage cheese do you want?”
“ I thought I told you to go home.” she said.
“ I’m just trying to help,” I said in the most pitiful voice I could muster.
“ Eight-ounce, small curd, low-fat,” she replied. ( How does she KNOW this stuff??) “Now go home, and I mean it this time.”
I picked up the eight-ounce, small curd, low-fat cottage cheese and proceeded to the cereal aisle. After locating the Rice Krispies, I immediately collared a clerk.
“These prices are mismarked,” I said. “The decimal is in the wrong place. This cereal is marked $3.90. It should be thirty-nine cents”. He looked at me as if I had just asked him to explain the Rieman zeta function in theoretical mathematics.
“The price is correct, sir.” he said after collecting his wits. My dad was "sir" but I didn't get into that.
“No. it can’t be. In my dad’s store in 1969 all cereals were thirty-nine cents except Special K that no one but the rich customers ever bought because it was forty-nine cents,” I explained to the young upstart who obviously had a thing or two to learn about the grocery business.
I decided to give Nancy a call and ask if she had ever had any trouble with improperly marked cereals. Without getting into details of the conversation, let’s just say that I went home without the ground beef.
The contents of this blog are copyrighted and may not be used or published without consent of the author.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
25 Random Facts About Me
1. I don’t like to discuss my favorite color, what my sign is, or what you had for lunch.
2. I don’t plan to wear clothes anymore after I am put in a nursing home.
3. I can’t sit and do nothing very long. (Unless the Vols are playing)
4. If I see a cashew…..it’s history.
5. I look really good in pink shirts.
6. I once worked in a library, and in the auto parts department at Sears.
7. I believe that there has been no good rock music since 1972.
8. I get really mad about every 15-20 years.
9. I’m still coming to terms with the death of Elvis.
10. I rarely remember my dreams.
11. I don’t make a good first impression. I have to grow on you.
12. I am insanely loyal to my friends.
13. I regret all the time I wasted doing what I thought was important.
14. If I could live my life again, I would learn to play one sport really, really well.
15. I appear quiet and reserved, but I am really a ham at heart; a fact that surprises many.
16. I survived a fall while hiking in the Smokies at age 16 that should have killed me.
17. I seriously don’t mind being bald.
18. I hate to prepare food in all its forms, but I don’t mind eating it.
19. I like to go out on the deck at night and smile for satellite photos.
20. I have a tattoo on my &%$#.
21. I wasted the first 25 years of my life taking myself too seriously.
22. I will take way too many dares.
23. I’m an independent, but I’ve never voted for a Democrat for president.
24. My family and friends are my most valued possessions.
25. People often mistake me for some person I’ve never heard of
2. I don’t plan to wear clothes anymore after I am put in a nursing home.
3. I can’t sit and do nothing very long. (Unless the Vols are playing)
4. If I see a cashew…..it’s history.
5. I look really good in pink shirts.
6. I once worked in a library, and in the auto parts department at Sears.
7. I believe that there has been no good rock music since 1972.
8. I get really mad about every 15-20 years.
9. I’m still coming to terms with the death of Elvis.
10. I rarely remember my dreams.
11. I don’t make a good first impression. I have to grow on you.
12. I am insanely loyal to my friends.
13. I regret all the time I wasted doing what I thought was important.
14. If I could live my life again, I would learn to play one sport really, really well.
15. I appear quiet and reserved, but I am really a ham at heart; a fact that surprises many.
16. I survived a fall while hiking in the Smokies at age 16 that should have killed me.
17. I seriously don’t mind being bald.
18. I hate to prepare food in all its forms, but I don’t mind eating it.
19. I like to go out on the deck at night and smile for satellite photos.
20. I have a tattoo on my &%$#.
21. I wasted the first 25 years of my life taking myself too seriously.
22. I will take way too many dares.
23. I’m an independent, but I’ve never voted for a Democrat for president.
24. My family and friends are my most valued possessions.
25. People often mistake me for some person I’ve never heard of
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