Gene Autry Meets the ACLU

Gene Autry bursts into the old abandoned mine and immediately begins pummeling the bad guys into submission. Smiley Burnett, the obligatory bumbling sidekick, who hangs out with Gene for no apparent reason, stands to the side and acts as cheerleader for Gene while making wildly exaggerated swings at the air with his fists. One of the bad guys reaches for his gun and is unceremoniously outdrawn by Gene and shot on the spot. The others who have been humiliated by Gene’s fists quickly flee and ride off down the dusty trail. Smiley adjusts his hat, allows that he don’t reckon they’ll see that bunch of scalawags around these parts no more, pulls out a harmonica, and begins playing “Oh, Susannah”. Gene and Smiley receive a hero’s welcome from the townfolk upon their return for finally running the James Gang out of town.

Now for the 21st Century version.

The fleeing bad guys ride straight to the office of the local ACLU and tell their story. The four bad guys had just robbed a bank and had gone into the old abandoned mine to rest when two maniacs entered the mine and began committing mayhem. All had been assaulted and one was dead. One of the assailants rode a horse with silver buckles and rhinestones on the saddle, and was dressed in custom-fitted, wrinkle-free cowboy clothes with tassels, fringe, and more rhinestones. The other was overweight, wore a vacuous smile, and his hat turned up in the front. This unlikely pair is hard to miss, and they are quickly located by local authorities and arrested. The trial begins with Gene on the witness stand.

“Mr. Autry, please tell the jury where you work.”

“Well, I go around the countryside catching crooks and cattle rustlers and the like.”

“No, I mean how do you make a living for your family?”

“Living? Family?” “I just go around helping folks and doing good stuff. I don’t know anything about a family.”

“ Who pays you for helping folks and doing good stuff?”

“ Nobody pays me. I do it ‘cause it’s the right thing to do and I like it. I usually get free drinks when I ride back into town. Does that count?”

“No, that doesn't count. Where do you live?”

“Well, me and Smiley here got these bedrolls, and we just drop 'em down whenever we get tired.”

“So I guess we can say you are homeless and unemployed? Tell me. What law enforce-
ment agency do you work for? By what authority did you enter this mine and commit acts
violence on these men who were simply trying to rest?”

“They robbed a dadgum bank! I don’t have to have a badge to go after bank robbers. Been doing it for years.”

“Mr. Autry. The fact that these gentlemen robbed a bank is irrelevant to this case! I am
sure I can assume that you had no search warrant or warrant for their arrest.”

“Look, see my white hat? Those guys wear black hats. I don’t see the problem. It’s all pretty obvious to me.”

At this point, Gene breaks into a nasal rendition of “Melody Ranch” and has to be removed from the witness stand by the bailiff. Smiley, disappointed that he can’t join Gene in the song, puts his harmonica back in his pocket and sulks. The lawyer for the ACLU approaches the jury box and begins his final argument.

“As you can plainly see, my clients, the James Gang, have had their Civil Rights trampled by this man who, with no warrant or authority, blatantly burst into their hideou...... I mean resting place, and brutally attacked them. By killing the leader, and maiming three others, he has made it all but impossible for these men to continue in their chosen profession. Their lives have been forever scarred by this senseless act of violence.”

“Lets look for a moment at Gene Autry the man. He, by his own admission, has no visible means of support, and has no permanent residence. He has no badge of authority and appears to take matters of law into his own hands without thoughts of the consequences. In short he is a homeless vigilante. Besides, he dresses funny.”

“As for his sidekick, Mr. Burnett, we know that he has used the alias “Frog Milhouse” and likewise has no marketable skills other than playing harmonica and doing silly dances while Mr. Autry sings. It is clear to see that these men are guilty of infringing on the rights of the James Gang to make a living.”

After the trial ended, the judge sentenced Gene and Smiley to 18 months of sensitivity training, and the three remaining members of the James Gang went on to serve in the United States Senate. The lawyer for the ACLU got his own television show.

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