Say What?!

OK. Maybe it’s just me, but I find this amusing. I’m browsing through the local newspaper and there it is. “Cow Patty Contest Slated”.

Now, this conjures up old memories of when I used to go to Kentucky as a kid to visit my country cousins. We would play baseball in the cow pasture and use dried cow patties for bases. It took quite a while to get started because we had to find four sufficiently dry cow patties lying roughly in the shape of a diamond, since no one wished to move any of them. The largest one would always be “home”. Inevitably, someone, usually my cousin Max, would accidentally slide into a cow patty that was fresh. Obviously this would end poor Max’s participation in the game by unanimous consensus.

My first reaction to the Cow Patty Contest announcement was to assume that the editor needed a short filler and was having a little fun at our expense. As I began to read the announcement, however, I came to believe that someone out there was serious about this, and that the contest would come off as threatened. My second reaction was almost endless string of questions. How will the contest be judged? Top producer? Largest patty? Will cows be provided, or will we have to bring our own cow? Will anyone show up to watch? What kind of trophy will be awarded? Do cows have trophy cases?

As I read the announcement, one by one, my questions were mercilessly answered. A pasture would be marked off into squares and the squares would be sold for one dollar each. The cow contestants would be marched onto the field and patty production would begin. I suppose someone would give a signal? After a specified amount of time elapsed, the owner of the square with the most patty by weight would be declared the winner. I don't even want to THINK about the weighing process! I suppose the winner would then pay an enormous sum of money to the contest sponsor to NOT have his name printed in the newspaper. Then second place would be awarded to the owner of the square fouled by the second largest deposit, who would also pay an enormous sum of money not to have his name printed in the newspaper either. This would result in an unbelievably successful fund raiser for the Society to Promote Silly Cow Contests.

I was pleased to discover that cows were provided. When you think about it, this is logical. Can you imagine the potential for abuse if one were allowed to bring one’s own cow? Anyone wishing to cheat could have his cow primed and ready to go.

I resisted the temptation to observe the contest. I have a family to think about. I never heard who won, but I will bet the spectators didn’t rush out on the field to congratulate the winner.

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