Where Are the Real Classmates?

I had my Mirror Epiphany a few weeks after my fortieth high school class reunion. A Mirror Epiphany occurs when you step out of the shower that some idiot contractor has placed directly across from a full-length mirror and see someone that resembles either your dad or the mummy of Rameses II. Your first thought is “When the heck did that happen?”

Of course, what I had observed is what is called in scientific circles the “threshold phenomenon”. I observed the threshold phenomenon in action many times at my recent fortieth high school reunion. I would notice someone heading my way, and the panic would set in.

“It’s got to be one of the last remaining teachers,” I would think. Grey hair, wrinkles, false teeth, that funny old-person smell. Which teacher could it be? Think! Think! She shuffled toward me on a walker with a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. There was a shapeless bulge on her hiney. “Got to be Depends” I thought.

“Hi Jimmy!” ( I was Jimmy in high school ) Then came the two most dreaded words you can hear at a high school reunion, “Remember me?”

“Uh…sorry. Give me a minute. I think my glasses are dirty.” I quickly removed my glasses and cleaned them on my shirt to give credence to the lie.

“It’s Sally! I sat behind you in third grade and you would beg me for cookies from my lunch box.”

My head was spinning. It was a classmate! Not a teacher! But she’s old! This old person claiming to be Sally was very disappointed that I didn’t recognize her, but she had to understand. She looked really old!

“Oh sure…Sally…you haven’t changed a bit!” I lied. She couldn’t be Sally. Sally was young and pretty. She was putting me on, playing some kind of joke. The real Sally was probably hiding in the background laughing her head off. But I played along pretending she really was Sally. I didn’t want her to think she had tricked me!

On and on it went, all night long. Total strangers, an endless parade of geezers, would come up to me pretending to be someone from my childhood. It became very annoying after a while. Where were the real classmates? Some would even pretend not to recognize me! I wasn’t able to figure out why so many people would go to so much trouble just to play a joke on me. We all started drifting off to sleep about 8:30PM, so I never found out what was really going on.

Until a few weeks later. My Mirror Epiphany explained everything.

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